“IF I STAY” (MOVIE) FEATURING THE NASTY BRUISES

What would you name your rock band?  It is something I’ve given a lot of thought to, and it came up again this weekend.

Last week I had the joy of watching yet another teen flick.  Okay, I was taken kicking and screaming, but that is beside the point.  My youngest sprout had read the book If I Stay and wanted to see the movie.  So off we went . . . to the matinee, of course. There is no way I was paying full price for this.

Here is a quick review of the movie–Throw in a dash of Romeo and Juliet, a bit of Titanic, sprinkle some Walk to Remember and now one teaspoon of The Fault In Our Stars and viola–If I Stay is born.

The Sequel Should be Titled 'Portland, My Heart Will Go on'
The Sequel Should be Titled ‘Portland, My Heart Will Go on’

The acting was uneven.  Stacy Keach plays the grandfather, and he is, as always, terrific.  The mom and dad roles are done well, but the two main actors, the girl and the boy, are dreadfully wooden and uninspiring.  That’s okay, I wasn’t expecting much more.  As I said on my Twitter feed that night, the real star of the movie, as far as I’m concerned, is the city of Portland.  The producers did a great job of portraying the delightful oddity of that wonderful city.

There was one cool part in the movie.  The father had been in a band (I presume back in the 90s) that was named Nasty Bruises.

To me, that was the most creative part of the film, the name of his band.  I have absolutely no musical talent whatsoever, so I will never be in any kind of band.  I was once kicked out of a church choir and the only thing I can play is the iPod.  But if I ever had a band, naming it would be the most enjoyable part.  I’ve been working on a list for a few years.  Here are some of my hypothetical band names, in no particular order.

1.  Crusty Theologians

2.  The Downspouts

3.  Tolkien’s Revenge

4.  Banana Sandwich

5.  Nietzche Was Wrong

6.  Leather Bound Edition (LBE for short)

7.  Assimov

8.  Then There Was Light

9.  Broken Wheelbarrows

10. Gag Reflex

 

Every now and again a new one comes to me.  What would you name your hypothetical rock band?

 

image from imbd.com

A BANANA CONSPIRACY

There is a problem in this world, and it is only getting worse.

Ripe Bananas
this i what ripe bananas look like

As I’ve documented here before, the grocery store keeps pushing green bananas on me and the entire buying public.  I am convinced it is an intentional deception, a banana conspiracy of global proportions no doubt propagated by Big Fruit like Chiquita and Dole.  They have congress in their deep pockets and own the USDA.  It is time we open our eyes to the fact that they are shoving bad bananas down our gullible little gullets by redefining what “fruit” is.  My conviction that we need a massive banana re-education campaign was strengthened by the dastardly events of Saturday afternoon.  Let me explain.

I had finally made my way to the produce aisle of the grocery store (our local HEB, a rather large chain of stores in Texas) and was looking for fruit.  There was lots of produce, but most of it was green, like the pineapple I bought.  It will not be ripe for another three or four days now.  I can get fresh onions, tomatoes and local produce at the farmer’s stands that are harvested when ripe and sent to to market but I can’t get pineapple locally grown, nor can I get what I really wanted:  Bananas.  I have to rely on the big grocer to get me my banana fix.

I saw the bunch of bananas that I wanted.  They were almost perfect, which is hard to find.  The peel had started browning with those tell tale blotches that signal the banana is reaching its peak flavor.  I was almost to this bunch of bananas when an evil agent of Big Fruit, under the guises of a teenage employee of the produce department, reached his grubby paw in and snatched the very batch of bananas I wanted.  In one fluid motion he tossed these bananas underneath his cart into a box that also had grapes and strawberries in it.

Me:  “Did you cull those because you think they are rotten?”

Evil Agent:  “Yes.”

Me:  “Can I have those.  They look perfect to me.”

EA:  “They are rotten.”

Me:  “I want those.”

EA:  “Sorry, once they go into that box, I can’t take them back out.  It is the rules.”

Me:  “Surely you know that a banana that is perfectly yellow is still green and hasn’t reached its full flavor yet?  It is only when a banana starts to brown that it is really ready, really ripe.  Usually the browner the better.  You’ve got to know this.”

EA:  “This one is too ripe.”

Me;  “Please give it to me, I will not tell anyone.”

EA:  “No.”

 

It took everything in me not to assault him with a cantaloupe (a green cantaloupe, mind you) and take those bananas.  He was such an arrogant little thing, the Produce Nazi, who, like a true bureaucrat, hides behind the ‘rules’ in order to avoid the painful process of thinking for himself.

Rise Up, banana lovers.  Rise Up.  Yes We Banana!

 

image from xoxomimi1.blogspot.com

THIS POST IS B-A-N-A-N-A-S (APOLOGIES TO GWEN STEFANI)

O supermarket, why do you vex me so?  Is it not enough that you charge me watermelon by the pound (by the pound!) or that you insist I walk through your displays of cheap liquor and discounted DVD’s of bad Ben Stiller films just to find my way to the cheesemonger’s stand to get delicious gouda?  Must you also put before me green bananas.

Why do you lie to me, why do you deceive me, and make me think that a green banana is one I want?

I swiped this little guide from askville.amazon.com.  It was posted by someone named geminiwench.  I don’t know who she (wench?) is, but I think she knows her bananas.

Green is an unripe banana. They are a little hard and the peel is very thick.

A yellow banana with a little green at one end is the first stage of ripeness. The banana is not yet fully sweet, but it has begun to sweeten more fully.

A fully yellow banana is ripe, the peel has thinned a little and the banana is softer and sweeter.

A yellow banana with a couple brown spots is a full-ripe banana… this is its height of sweetness. These bananas also have the strongest banana flavor.

A banana that is more brown than yellow is over-ripe. Great for baking, but the banana inside is usually beginning to turn and is no longer very pretty to eat,… over-ripe bananas are super sweet and very soft, which is why they are perfect for making banana bread or cookies.

Preach it sister!  Bring it!

I would go one step further, though.  It is the over-ripe banana that you want in your cereal, on your peanut butter and banana sandwich, that you want to fry up like Elvis did, what you put inside pancakes, and that you will desire dipped in chocolate fondu.  Anything other than what is called the over-ripe banana (but what I would call the perfectly ripe banana) is tasteless.

Here is the question, though, that I a getting at.

The supermarket gives me this:

yuck! (runningwithspoons.com)
yuck! (runningwithspoons.com)

What I want, though, is this:

yummy!  (www.nomeatathlete.com)
yummy! (www.nomeatathlete.com)

How long do I have to wait once I get it home before it turns into something truly delicious?  The answer is about a week.  Imagine if this type of injustice were done with other produce?  I’d be buying a live pig instead of sausage, a barrel of grain instead of a loaf of bread, or a fishing pole instead of halibut.  You get the point.  It is time to end this blight upon the banana eating public.

This is a hollaback post (see earlier Stefani reference), so I’d like to know what you think about this great banana lie.

 

Notes: 

(1) As a public courtesy, I encourage you not to search “banana guide” on the web.  You will find rather unsavory gay porn sites, which are not endorsed by Pastor Greenbean or any right thinking people. 

(2) I really tried to work Raffi’s “Banana Phone” into this post, but just couldn’t make it work.