Here is the setup. It is Independence Day, but raining outside. You decide to watch a movie until the rain stops. You want to watch a classic Fourth of July movie, and these are the movies you have to choose from.
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I posted this awesome class picture on my Facebook page for ‘throwback Thursday’ last week.
Isn’t it awesome? I thought it was. I don’t really remember that much about 2nd grade, but here are a few things.
1. I remember that I had a “Six Million Dollar Man” coloring book. I couldn’t color at all. I never have had any kind of fine arts abilities, but I really, really liked the Bionic Man and the Bionic Woman. Steve Austin and Jamie Sommers rule!
2. I remember the teeter-totters. I was so fat that it took two kids on the other end to balance me out. Sometimes three.
3. I remember that second grade was the first time I was aware of the sting of injustice. It was a typical hot, dusty, summer day. We’d played outside, hard. All of us were thirsty and sweaty. There was one drinking fountain, for which we all stood in line to get a drink. I was near the back of the line, as were most of the boys. The line was about half way through getting a drink, and some boy did something that made our teacher mad. He probably said a dirty word or cut in line or something. Whatever it was, it caused the teacher to declare, “That’s it, drinking time is over. Everyone back in the room.” So, some kids got a drink, some of us (ME!) didn’t, and it was all because of the actions of one person. Injustice bites.
4. I remember being afraid of the girls. I still am.
5. It was in second grade that I saw the movie Jaws for the first time. This was a time before movies on demand, cable, and DVDs. It was even before VHS. I was too young for the theatrical version, but that year they showed it on network television, as one of those “Movie of the Week” things. Some of you might remember those. I was dumbfounded. I had seen Star Wars, of course, but I had never seen a live action movie like that before. The effect on me was profound. Every day I sat at my little wooden desk and drew pictures. I must have gone through a whole ream of notebook paper that year depicting various scenes of the gigantic shark eating away at the boat, swimming, eating swimmers, exploding, and just about every action scene in the movie. I even made a few up of my own.
6. I remember I had a green and white shirt, mesh type (very popular back then) material, that had the word “Kawasaki” in white script. It was a hand-me-down from a friend of my mother’s who had boys a little older than me. Some older boys, boys from the unattainable world of fourth and fifth grade, asked me if I liked Kawasakis. I said yes. They asked me what kind I had. Busted! Not only did I not have a Kawasaki, I didn’t even know what a Kawasaki was. I remember feeling like it was something that I should have know about, but didn’t. I remember their mocking. It is, I think, the first time I ever felt inadequate and inferior. It was not the last.
Come on, Hollywood! I know you can do better than you’ve done lately. So to help you out, I’ve got four sure-fire movie ideas for you, and none of them are set in the Marvel Universe. You can thank me later.
1. Jaws 5
They only made four Jaws movies. Everyone knows that the first one, and the only one directed by Spielberg, was the best and probably one of the top 30 greatest movies of all time (anyone who says otherwise is chum) but the other three, not so much. Jaws 2 was passable, but not the same. Jaws 3 was possibly one of the worst movies ever (click her for an argument that Jaws 3 was a masterpiece) and Jaws 4 is ridiculous, but it does have Michael Caine.
So why do we need a fifth one, after 20 years of hiatus? Because Sharknado and stupid SyFy movies have destroyed how great a shark movie can be. It is time to reclaim it, and make a movie worthy of the first Jaws. My suggestion is to pick up with the Brody granddaughter, Thea, and set her as a world-class marine biologist who is investigating exactly where all these over-sized sharks are coming from, and how are they able to remember to hate her family from one generation to the next.
2. The Six Million Dollar Man
Rumors of a Bionic Man movie have been ongoing since the 90s, but most of these are from the comedy side of things. What I mean is, they’ve talked about remaking it as a spoof like they did 21 Jump Street or Starsky & Hutch. Boo that! I want a real movie with drama, melodrama, and cool sound effects (visualize me now, sitting at my laptop, making that awesome sound.)
I loved that tv show in the 70’s. Remember the one with Bigfoot? You could even make it a Bionic Man and a Bionic Woman thing too. This is a no-brainer and would be super easy to do. My friend Chuck and I already have half a screen play written for this movie. Okay, it’s really just notes written on a few pages of college rule notebook paper, but you get the point. Call me Miramax. Call me!
3. Kim Possible
What’s the sitch? Well, the sitch is that my family and I loved this cartoon and still, sometimes, late at night you can hear us mourn its loss. It died far too young. It was possibly the coolest cartoon ever. Ever. Just remember this, The Disney Channel killed Kim Possible so it could bring you more Hannah Montana, all day, every day. Worst. Decision. Ever.
What I want to see, though, is a live-action Kim Possible. I think maybe Ben Stiller should play Drakken. Or maybe John Malkovich. I want to play Ron. I have to play Ron.
4. The Little Girl Waits
Yeah, that is what you call a plug! Seriously, several of the people who have read my novel believe it would make a great movie and I agree. I mean, it has everything: Car chases, shootouts, mystery, ghosts, indoor tornadoes, international gangsters, the FBI, and church drama! I mean, come on, Hollywood, what are you waiting for.
The best part about making the movie of The Little Girl Waits is that I am pretty cheap. I just want writer’s credit and to help with the screenplay so that I can accept the Oscar for best screenplay adapted from a previous work. Is that too much to ask? Of course, you’ll want to make sure and read the book (available at Amazon, BarnesandNoble.com, iTunes and many other outlets, paperback and eBook) before the movie comes out so you’ll know the stuff we changed.