I HATE THE GROUNDHOG!

See how fat he is?  Probably take two skillets
See how fat he is? Probably take two skillets

I hate that varmit.  Seriously.  I Just learned (click here for story) that Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, which according to legend frightened him and sent him scurrying back into his hole.  Somehow this inexplicable chain of events is responsible for six more weeks of winter.

I’m sick of winter, and say we should do something about this meteorological hegemony and bring the tyrant down?  We need to go all Bill Murray all over that beast.  Who is with me?

The logical question comes next.  What do we do with the groundhog.  Well, I say we eat him!  I have some suggestions.

"I Got You Babe"
“I Got You Babe”

Groundhogs are not very big, so we could make a mulligan stew out of him.  Think of how good a nice groundhog stew would taste–carrots, potatoes, onions, a little Worcestershire sauce for flavor, maybe some Tabasco sauce, a little garlic–all simmered together to enjoy when it gets bitter cold outside.  Nothing is as tasty as stew when it is cold, and nothing tastes as good as sweet ironic revenge.

If the groundhog is wrong, which, by the way, he often is, then the weather might actually get warmer.  That doesn’t mean we give him a reprieve.  His reign of terror must end.  But if warm weather comes early, I say we roast him on a spit out by the lake, while wearing flip flops, sunglasses, funny beach hats, and sunscreen.

If none of that is to your liking, then let’s keep it simple.  Deep fried groundhog might become a national delicacy if we can get the right marketing plan.  Just looking at how fat Punxsutawney Phil is, I would say it is slightly meatier than a chicken, but we could probably butcher him the same way–except we’d have four legs instead of two.  Then we’d soak him in buttermilk all night, batter him up, then get the grease hot.  How hard could it be?  We’d serve him with gravy and biscuits.

I’ve got other ideas.  Maybe groundhog ice cream for dessert?  Groundhog pie perhaps, like a spicey mincemeat.  Groundhog tacos might taste a little like goat, maybe?

Whatever we do, the groundhog needs to die and winter must end.

images from whnt.com and blog.indiewire.com

THE BLESSINGS OF SNOW?

My hatred for snow is pretty well documented among those people who have shared life with me.  However, one particular snowy day when I was complaining to the Lord about ice flakes falling from the heavens, he rebuked me.  I had just finished praying and was now turning to my devotional readings and my reading for that day was from Psalm 147.

 

He sends out his command to the earth;

His word runs swiftly.

He gives snow like wool;

He scatters hoarfrost like ashes.

He hurls down his crystals of ice like crumbs;

Who can stand before his cold?

He sends out his word, and melts them;

He makes his wind blow and the waters flow.

 

These words come in a passage describing God’s unique blessings to Israel.  Snow is, therefore a blessing.  The Lord dealt with me sternly on the subject that morning.  Regardless of how much I might not enjoy it, snow is a part of his plan for the world and apparently for my life.  Therefore, as I see the snow falling outside the window of my study this morning, I am working on some positive things about snow.

Positive Thing 1:  It helps kill off bugs and insects.  A good snow accompanied by cold weather can significantly reduce bugs and pests this summer.  Snow now means a more enjoyable cook-out in July.

Positive Thing 2:  Many of the people I know are in the medical field.  All of this ice and snow should create many broken bones and busted lips in need of stitching.  In a way, the snow keeps people with plenty of employment opportunities.

Positive Thing 3:  In a related issue, nothing creates work for auto-body repair shops like inclement weather.  This could bring the economy out of a recession.

Positive Thing 4:  I probably had too much discretionary income anyway.  The extra money I will have to pay for home heating oil will alleviate me of the added burden of spending money.

Positive Thing 5:  Yellow snow.

Positive Thing 6:  The landscape looks picture perfect right up until it all melts and turns to a muddy nightmare.

See, I’m trying to keep a positive attitude about the snow.  The weather forecast indicates that this should continue through today and be especially heavy tomorrow and not end until Wednesday afternoon when it all turns to rain.  Wednesday can’t come soon enough.  Until then, I will meditate upon these positive thoughts.  Ooh, I just thought of another one . . .

Positive Thing 7:  If it snows enough the power will probably go out and that will give me a chance to appreciate not being able to cook for four days or have hot water.