BIZARRO SUPER TUESDAY

Today is Super Tuesday–which means something very specific for political junkies.  This is the day when 10 states will conduct primaries for the presidential contest.  Super Tuesday is always the day in which the most states have contests.  This year, only Republicans are engaged in the process.  Last year Super Tuesday was headlined primarily by then Senators Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton.  I love this kind of stuff–not because of my preferences in politics, but I just find it interesting.  My overall feeling is that today’s contests will not change much.  The only thing that might be interesting is, that if New Gingrich loses Georgia, I think he will get out of the race.  Now, keep in mind I’ve been predicting that for a while, so, what do I know?

This morning as I got ready for work, I thought about the funny name “Super Tuesday” and how, in alternate universes, it might mean completely other things.  If there were a parallel world where things were almost like they are for us, but not quite, what might Super Tuesday be?  Well . . .

1.  Super Tuesday could be the way people in a parallel universe handle the quarter day bonus in the earth’s rotation around the sun.  So, instead of having a leap year with a February 29 every four years, in this parallel world there is an extra Tuesday every four years in the week before Easter.  This extra Tuesday has no numerical date or month assigned.  So if Easter is April 8 (as it is in our universe this year) then the Tuesday before, the regular Tuesday before, the date is April 3.  The next day though, is Super Tuesday, and then the next day is Wednesday, April 4.  Three days, but only two count on the calendar.

2.  A second parallel universe scenario could include a sociological issue.  In this world, Super Tuesday occurs whenever a Tuesday is the 5th Tuesday in a month and it follows within a month of a lunar eclipse, and the year is an even number.  That is a Super Tuesday.  On this Super Tuesday all debts are erased, all non-violent prisoners are released, and all oaths are revoked (this includes military obligations but does not include marital vows).  Super Tuesday works a lot like the ancient Hebrew concept of “Jubilee” year.

3.  One more Super Tuesday parallel universe.  In this world Super Tuesday is personal for each individual.  A person may declare their own Super Tuesday for any Tuesday after their 21st birthday but before their 50th birthday.  A person may claim only one Super Tuesday in their adult life.  On this Super Tuesday, publicly declared at least two weeks in advance, a person is allowed to say anything about anyone or anything or do anything (except physical harm or damage to property) and come Wednesday it cannot be held against her or him either legally, morally, or personally.

I’d be interested to hear other people’s ideas for Bizarro Super Tuesday.

SUPER-PACS AND THE UNDER REPRESENTED

WARNING–SARCASM AHEAD

We’ve been hearing quite a bit lately about political super PACS.  These are the soft money arms of political campaigns that allow for massive amounts of unregulated and irresponsible fundraising for politicians.  The ads for super PACS are the ones that do not have to say “I’m (NAME OF POLITICIAN HERE) and I approved this ad.”  In theory super PACS are not allowed to coordinate with candidates, wink and nod, but of course they do.  Super PACS are usually the heavies, the rough ones, the muscle that use smear tactics and dirty tricks to belittle the opposition.  That allows the candidate (think Mitt Romney or President Obama) to say things like

I had nothing to do with the accusation that my opponent eats babies for breakfast and craves human blood every third full moon.  That did not come from my campaign.

Here is where I am at this morning, though.  Super PACS are a great idea, but the influence is exerted in the wrong place.  Politicians do not need more commercials and more face time.  There are other groups of people that could benefit from large amounts of money spent using dirty tricks to get their way.  My first thought, was pastors, but that is too easy.  Then I thought about the people who work in grocery stores.  Someone should spend money advocating their positions, and use dirty tactics if necessary.  Can you imagine the commercial now.  It would feature an evil rich man in suit and tie who carries his groceries out to his car and then just leaves the buggy in the lot without returning it to the appropriate stall or back inside the building.  The voice over says something like:

Every year in America 110,000 dedicated and highly trained grocery clerks catch the flu because they have to chase down the abandoned buggys and carts left by irresponsible and careless rich people.  Its time to to stop this; and make sure we have healthy working environments for all Americans.

However, as I thought about it some more, I decided that the best group of under represented people who deserved a super PAC was kindergarteners.  Here are the three issue ads we could run.

AD #1 JUST FIVE MORE MINUTES

This ad would feature a playground filled with children when suddenly an evil, ugly, playground teacher with a a menacing clip board (yep, menacing clipboard!) blows and whistle and chases the kids off the playground shouting, “Fun is over, go back inside and learn.”  If we could find a teacher that looked like Newt Gingrich; that would be awesome!  Then we could throw some stats up on the screen from newspaper clippings about childhood obesity, too much television watching, and maybe something about healthy benefits of play.  Cue voice over:  “For generations self-absorbed teachers have been cutting playground shorter and shorter, always neglecting the constant and never ending plea for ‘Just Five More Minutes.’  The time has come to stop that–send a strong message to teachers everywhere that our kids need five more minutes.”

AD #2 SPRINGTIME IN AMERICA

The image of the attack ad is a lonely pea sprout in a Styrofoam cup and the angle widens and pans away as the voice over speaks.  “How much longer will we relegate our children to only experiencing the wonders of nature through Styrofoam cups and small scoops of dirt.  We need to end the reckless greed demonstrated by school principals and superintendents by finally building real gardens.  Little cups of dirt can’t inspire the way real gardens can.  Let’s build gardens at our school; with a trellis, and watermelons, and calming water effects.  Don’t our children deserve the best.”

AD #3 ITS A MATTER OF CHOICE

Fact:  Choice is a fundamental human expression.  But every day millions of kindergarteners have their constitutional right to chose taken away from them when they are made to take a nap.
Fact:  Not all children need the same amount of sleep.  Yet teachers all across our once-free land impose communist style collective napping on children who would be happier if they were playing and learning.
Fact:  Making children nap on  hard piece of barely foamed plastic is torture.  If children are made to nap; they should be provided comfortable beds and warm milk.  Cookies wouldn’t hurt either.

Like I said, super PACS aren’t such a bad idea.  We’re just spending the money on the wrong group of people.

PREDICTING THE IOWA CAUCUSES

I am temporarily interrupting my 2011 Greenbean Blog reviews (tomorrow, I promise to get out #2) but I wanted to get my predictions for the Iowa caucuses tonight out there.  Now remember, Pastor Greenbean is not endorsing any candidate or party.  I do the same thing with the democrats as I do the republicans–I just enjoy watching it, much like someone might watch a football in which neither team is your team.  I play for team Jesus, and the last time I checked he never endorses candidates or parties.  But, here goes my predictions.

35%–Ron Paul.  This reflects a general disqualification with the status quo.

27%–Rick Santorum.  His ground game in Iowa is greatly underestimated.

22%–Newt Gingrich.  Its hard to believe, but he is still a viable candidate to many GOP’ers.

12%–Mitt Romney.  I just don’t think most Republicans, especially very conservative ones, trust Romney and they will have a hard time voting for him.

Okay, there you have it.  Let the record reflect I post this at 3:21 PST, well before any results are posted.

We’ll see what happens.

 

UPDATE:  THE MORNING AFTER CAUCUS

It appears I got some things right and some things wrong.  The complete results show that I was right about Santorum’s ground game and doing well but I was wrong about the way conservatives would break.  I thought in the end more would break for Paul than for Romney.  I clearly underestimated his ability to persuade hardened conservatives.  I thought more of those folks would break for the evil Newt.  I’m just glad I was right about something.