UNFORTUNATE COOKIES

Today my beautiful wife, Mrs. Greenbean, accompanied me to lunch at one of our favorite local eateries.  The theme of the cuisine is Asian and I find their beef yakisoba noodles the best in town.  Mrs. Greenbean enjoys the shrimp fried rice.  When our meal was over, the wonderful server brought our tab along with two fortune cookies.

I, as always, gave mine to Mrs. Greenbean.  I hate fortune cookies.  It is the only cookie I do not like.  What is there to like about it?  Fortune cookies have the consistency of porcelain and the taste of Formica.  I bet they are even held together with asbestos.  I deplore them.

I find nothing fortunate about being given such a tasteless wafer that I, spontaneously today, told my wife that these were really “unfortunate cookies.”  Suddenly the thought occurred to me that I should make and sell by the large bundle “Unfortunate Cookies” which had messages of doom inside of them instead of the flighty optimism of fortune cookies.  I bet someone else has already thought of it, but just in case no one has I spent some time and a little gray matter working on what I might shove into my mass marketed “Unfortunate Cookies.”

  • Today, someone will think of you and swear under his/her breath.
  • Watch out, the IRS is aware of your presence.
  • It is likely that something in your home, car, or yard will break this week.
  • Your children are probably doing things they shouldn’t.
  • There is an unpleasant medical test in your future.
  • If you were better looking, you’d probably make more money.
  • Chances are the meal you just enjoyed was prepared by someone who doesn’t wash hands after using the potty.
  • Is your tetanus up to date?
  • While you were eating your boss checked your work area and examined your productivity.
  • Do you know a good lawyer?  You might need one soon.

It was a surprise to me how much fun and delight I had thinking of these ‘soft’ curses.  I felt like Balaam from the Old Testament.  I suppose if the “Unfortunate Cookie” business doesn’t work out, I might be able to carve out a niche as a gloomy greeting card writer?  One can only dream.

SPLENDID DELIGHTS OF SUMMER

Today is the first official day of summer and I feel like celebrating it.  This celebratory mood might be brought on because the weather outside is summerish.  This is in stark contrast to the weather over the weekend which was yuckish.  The celebratory frame of mind might be brought on because last night I helped my daughter write a sonnet in iambic pentameter for her English class.  Yep, that’s right, it’s the first day of summer and the students at South Kitsap High School are still in class doing meaningful, grade changing work.

 

To celebrate I put before you four splendid delights of summer.

 

Delight Number One:  Fresh fruit and veggies.  I like that I can buy a tomato in the middle of January; but I also recognize that tomato tastes awful because it was pulled green and then shipped green but was never vine ripened.  In the summer one can buy vine ripened tomatoes, fresh cherries, and yummy beans.  Eating a watermelon, outside, with a salt shaker and having the delicious juice run down your chin and neck is a delight that everyone should experience annually.

 

Delight Number Two:  Vitamin D.  Up here in the great Pacific Northwest we have so many slate gray days that the body does not produce enough vitamin D because there is not enough sunlight.  I pound back fortified milk, but it does not produce the same feeling.  When summer comes, I always feel better and have a greater sense of well-being.  Vitamin D.

 

Delight Number Three:  No lunches.  That is not to say that I do not eat lunch; but during the summer the kids are out of school and I don’t have the constant morning hum-drum work of making lunches.  Because I eat at home most days or in a delish restaurant I have variety.  I always worry about my children because pretty much every day is the same sandwich, brownie, chips.  As summer envelops us no more monotonous lunches for my precious girls and no more monotonous morning routine for their mommy and daddy.

 

Delight Number Four:  Vacation.  Now that my children are both old enough to enjoy travel we have developed a very solid family vacation tradition.  This year we will travel by car again to the Southwest.  I am looking forward to seeing the Anasazi cliff dwellings this year.  The best part, though, is spending limitless time with my daughters and wife.  Summer brings my family closer together.

 

I could enumerate many more delights; but this is enough to capture my celebration of summer.