Today my beautiful wife, Mrs. Greenbean, accompanied me to lunch at one of our favorite local eateries.  The theme of the cuisine is Asian and I find their beef yakisoba noodles the best in town.  Mrs. Greenbean enjoys the shrimp fried rice.  When our meal was over, the wonderful server brought our tab along with two fortune cookies.

I, as always, gave mine to Mrs. Greenbean.  I hate fortune cookies.  It is the only cookie I do not like.  What is there to like about it?  Fortune cookies have the consistency of porcelain and the taste of Formica.  I bet they are even held together with asbestos.  I deplore them.

I find nothing fortunate about being given such a tasteless wafer that I, spontaneously today, told my wife that these were really “unfortunate cookies.”  Suddenly the thought occurred to me that I should make and sell by the large bundle “Unfortunate Cookies” which had messages of doom inside of them instead of the flighty optimism of fortune cookies.  I bet someone else has already thought of it, but just in case no one has I spent some time and a little gray matter working on what I might shove into my mass marketed “Unfortunate Cookies.”

  • Today, someone will think of you and swear under his/her breath.
  • Watch out, the IRS is aware of your presence.
  • It is likely that something in your home, car, or yard will break this week.
  • Your children are probably doing things they shouldn’t.
  • There is an unpleasant medical test in your future.
  • If you were better looking, you’d probably make more money.
  • Chances are the meal you just enjoyed was prepared by someone who doesn’t wash hands after using the potty.
  • Is your tetanus up to date?
  • While you were eating your boss checked your work area and examined your productivity.
  • Do you know a good lawyer?  You might need one soon.

It was a surprise to me how much fun and delight I had thinking of these ‘soft’ curses.  I felt like Balaam from the Old Testament.  I suppose if the “Unfortunate Cookie” business doesn’t work out, I might be able to carve out a niche as a gloomy greeting card writer?  One can only dream.

5 responses to “UNFORTUNATE COOKIES”

  1. It has been a long time since I laughed so hard….thank you. Your writing skills are fantastic.

  2. Think of all the variants you could develop: Sarcasm, put-downs, and insults disguised as compliments. Enjoyed this post.

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