To follow-up on the previous blog post, here you go Hallmark Channel, here are five free plots that would make far better Christmas movies than the lame ones I’ve sat through.
1. Zombies. Christmas needs more zombies to energize the younger and masculine demographics. Santa is delivering toys to Romania one Christmas Eve and accidentally brings home a zombie virus that infects the elves. To stop the spread of the virus he needs to enlist the help of his old nemesis, Jack Frost.
2. Frosty the Snowman has developed a drinking problem and is pushing away all of his friends. After waking up in a Vegas motel with Miley Cyrus he decides he needs help so he calls Santa. The problem is, Santa has never forgiven Frosty for 2008 when he urinated in Kringle’s eggnog.
3. An upstart young woman has a successful career in New York as a broker, but is called home for Christmas when her father dies of a heart attack. She reluctantly moves home to be closer to her mother and to rekindle her roots. In the process she patches ways with her mother and finds lost love with the boy who pushed her down the slide when she was in grammar school. Just foolin’! That’s what they put out there now. Instead, we’ll take that plot and add the mob. The reason she moves back home is not because of her dad’s death but because she is up to her eyebrows in debt to the Mafia and she is trying to hide in small town America. Car chases, gun fights and a really cool helicopter crash can be added in.
4. How about a period piece? It is Christmas in Carson City circa 1873 or something and settlers are trying to figure out how to have a decent Christmas on the frontier. The result is a slapstick comedy of errors as they negotiate with Native Americas for tree cutting rights, have treats shipped in, and work through the worst Christmas pageant ever. Think of it like Mel Brooks meets Christmas.
5. Last one: Turns out Santa has been replaced with a blood sucking space vampire and the real Santa is imprisoned deep inside the moon’s core. This horrible truth is discovered by a group of computer nerds living in Florida. They recruit a reluctant and skeptical Army Ranger fresh from Afghanistan to help them rescue the real Santa before the whole world has been sucked dry.
You’re welcome Hallmark Channel. You’re welcome. Call me, we can make this happen.