This afternoon I will meet with yet another ‘agent’ from the omnipresent Labor and Industries (LNI) of the State of Washington. I am certain that LNI does great work, but they are getting on my nerves. For starters, we are a church with only five employees. They recently audited us and found our books in good shape—no problems because we always do try and get everything done right—but they said we needed to have a “safety plan.” When we asked them what that was, they just said, “You need one.” I called a different branch of LNI and they are sending this person out to talk to me this afternoon. On the phone said, “We can’t write it for you, but we will tell you what it has to say.” When he said that, I laughed. Then I laughingly said, “Our safety plan is to put a band-aid on it or call 911.” He then said, “That is not sufficient.” It is going to be a long afternoon.
I thought I would put together a temporary safety plan that seems to fit our environment. I might show it to him and see what he thinks. I bet he will not like it.
1. Push pins and thumb tacks: If an employee is punched, gouged or otherwise injured by a push pin or thumb tack he or she should follow the following procedure.
B. Say Ouch.
C. Put finger or part of body that was pricked in mouth. If body part will not fit in mouth, run under cold water. DO NOT PUT YOUR PRICKED BODY PART IN SOMEONE ELSE’S MOUTH.
D. If necessary, apply a band-aid.
An alternate plan for the push pin and thumb tack scenario could be as follows (Note, this alternate plan could be implemented in lieu of any of these protocol or in addition to them.)
A. Say a prayer of thanksgiving for the ability to suffer in the work of Jesus.
B. Rebuke the push pin/thumb tack as an enemy of the Kingdom.
C. Bind the push pin/thumb tack in Jesus’ name.
D. Sing, “If the Devil doesn’t like it, he can sit on a tack.”
E. Show all your friends your stigmata.
F. Write a book about how you overcame the Devil’s ‘snare.’
2. A Stapled finger: In the event you staple your own finger with the stapler follow this procedure.
B. Go to your office; close the door.
C. Clean out your workspace.
D. Never come back again. You’re fired.
3. Paper cut: In the event an employee receives a paper cut, follow the above procedure regarding push pins and thumb tacks. In addition, be certain to disinfect the paper from any hazardous genetic material which might have been left behind.
4. Computer fatigue: If an employee becomes fatigued from looking at a computer terminal too long, encounters back pain or hand spasms then the proper procedure is to:
B. Take a Tylenol.
C. Walk outside for 10 or 15 minutes to reduce the stress.
D. Get back to work! While you were complaining about your fingers, people are dying and going to Hell!
5. Crazy people: In the very likely event that crackpots and loons come into the church where an employee is working, observe the following procedure.
B. Do not make any sudden movements.
C. Speak as little as possible and use calm soothing words with only one or two syllables.
D. If you feel the person is threatening or dangerous, use the intercom on the phone to alert the other staff (especially Pastor Jamie) to escape through their office windows. Distract the crackpot or loon so others may reach safety and live to minister another day. Your sacrifice will be noted and appreciated. We’ll make sure LNI is aware of your workplace injury/death.
6. Paper cutter injury: If you loose a finger, arm, ear, hair, toe or any other body part while operating the paper cutting tool, please observe the following safety plan. (Note it is no longer church policy to use the paper cutter to demonstrate Old Testament circumcision.)
A. Pray. Do this quickly before you faint.
B. If you regain consciousness, clean up the blood from the countertop and the papers while trying not to bleed on the church equipment or property. We will need to keep costs down as much as possible to pay for and train your replacement.
C. If you are still awake and conscious, try 911.