THE SANTA STORM OF 2013

In 1963 Santa Claus snubbed Jack Frost and Frosty the Snowman over royalties from the production of made-for-television Christmas specials.  Their original plan was to go in thirds, with each partner getting a new special every third year on alternating networks.  What Jack and Snowman didn’t know is that Old Man Kringle hired a lawyer from Philadelphia who discovered a tiny loophole involving trade to polar regions and international waters, and thus was able to cut Jack and Snowman from all revenue sharing.  The two of them never forgave the fat elf, but Santa became ever richer with the rise of commercialism and the digital age.  One deal lead to another and before long Santa had the corner market on October, November, and December and he had his eye on January, which made Baby New Year very nervous.

In the early 2000’s Jack Frost and Frosty the Snowman (no relation, despite the shared Frost in the name) began plotting Santa’s downfall and they were able to convince Baby New Year it was in his best interest as well.  Their first plan was to plant incriminating evidence on him of drug use and/or a prostitution ring and get the pictures to TMZ, but Kringle was too clean for that.  However, after a drunken night of despair watching the Sy Fy Channel, Snowman had a great idea.  Jack could use his powers over the weather, and Baby could change the temporal algorithms, combined with his knowledge of cumulonimbus clouds they could generate a tornado just about anywhere they wanted, and he knew exactly where he wanted.

Snowman built a Powerpoint slide showing his plan, complete with pie charts and graphs as well as a few Steve Job’s quotes, and the two agreed.  Two weeks before Christmas the three unleashed a terrible fury upon the tinsled streets of Manhattan during the annual Santa Convention.  Santacon was in full swing as the city was literally littered with drunken Santas.  The tornado targeted each red fake furred Santa and lifted them up into a dreadful red and white funnel of death.

Clausnado had been unleashed.

Santas reigned terror upon the entire Northeastern seaboard.  They flew through the windows of children’s bedrooms, scarring them for life with deep psychological mistrust of men with white beards and rosy cheeks.  Santas fell from the sky and destroyed Christmas trees and nativity scenes.  Especially vulnerable were homes with chimneys, as Santas often would flood down the chimney and out the furnace spewing carnage and vomiting all over the perfectly decorated living rooms.

The storm lasted several hours and threatened to destroy Christmas forever, until a hero emerged.  In their haste to act, Jack, Snowman and Baby had forgotten about the Grinch.  The Grinch had long since made peace with Claus, and in the end he and his new bride, Suzy Snowflake, could stand by no longer.  With the help of his miserable little dog and the hyperactive Rudolph, the Grinch successfully sneaked into the Jack’s lair and methodically neutralized the three menaces.  Jack Frost was the easiest, as all Grinch had to do was turn the heater up.  Frosty the Snowman put up quite fight, but Rudolph gave him a kick to the mid-section causing his three parts to disconnect, and once disconnected Frosty became inanimate.  When Baby New Year saw the other two go down so easily, he pooped his diaper and put his thumb in his mouth, thus bringing an end to Clausnado and restoring order to Christmas.

However, Christmas in New York was never the same again.