We’ve been hearing quite a bit lately about political super PACS. These are the soft money arms of political campaigns that allow for massive amounts of unregulated and irresponsible fundraising for politicians. The ads for super PACS are the ones that do not have to say “I’m (NAME OF POLITICIAN HERE) and I approved this ad.” In theory super PACS are not allowed to coordinate with candidates, wink and nod, but of course they do. Super PACS are usually the heavies, the rough ones, the muscle that use smear tactics and dirty tricks to belittle the opposition. That allows the candidate (think Mitt Romney or President Obama) to say things like
I had nothing to do with the accusation that my opponent eats babies for breakfast and craves human blood every third full moon. That did not come from my campaign.
Here is where I am at this morning, though. Super PACS are a great idea, but the influence is exerted in the wrong place. Politicians do not need more commercials and more face time. There are other groups of people that could benefit from large amounts of money spent using dirty tricks to get their way. My first thought, was pastors, but that is too easy. Then I thought about the people who work in grocery stores. Someone should spend money advocating their positions, and use dirty tactics if necessary. Can you imagine the commercial now. It would feature an evil rich man in suit and tie who carries his groceries out to his car and then just leaves the buggy in the lot without returning it to the appropriate stall or back inside the building. The voice over says something like:
Every year in America 110,000 dedicated and highly trained grocery clerks catch the flu because they have to chase down the abandoned buggys and carts left by irresponsible and careless rich people. Its time to to stop this; and make sure we have healthy working environments for all Americans.
However, as I thought about it some more, I decided that the best group of under represented people who deserved a super PAC was kindergarteners. Here are the three issue ads we could run.
AD #1 JUST FIVE MORE MINUTESThis ad would feature a playground filled with children when suddenly an evil, ugly, playground teacher with a a menacing clip board (yep, menacing clipboard!) blows and whistle and chases the kids off the playground shouting, “Fun is over, go back inside and learn.” If we could find a teacher that looked like Newt Gingrich; that would be awesome! Then we could throw some stats up on the screen from newspaper clippings about childhood obesity, too much television watching, and maybe something about healthy benefits of play. Cue voice over: “For generations self-absorbed teachers have been cutting playground shorter and shorter, always neglecting the constant and never ending plea for ‘Just Five More Minutes.’ The time has come to stop that–send a strong message to teachers everywhere that our kids need five more minutes.”
AD #2 SPRINGTIME IN AMERICAThe image of the attack ad is a lonely pea sprout in a Styrofoam cup and the angle widens and pans away as the voice over speaks. “How much longer will we relegate our children to only experiencing the wonders of nature through Styrofoam cups and small scoops of dirt. We need to end the reckless greed demonstrated by school principals and superintendents by finally building real gardens. Little cups of dirt can’t inspire the way real gardens can. Let’s build gardens at our school; with a trellis, and watermelons, and calming water effects. Don’t our children deserve the best.”
AD #3 ITS A MATTER OF CHOICEFact: Choice is a fundamental human expression. But every day millions of kindergarteners have their constitutional right to chose taken away from them when they are made to take a nap. Fact: Not all children need the same amount of sleep. Yet teachers all across our once-free land impose communist style collective napping on children who would be happier if they were playing and learning. Fact: Making children nap on hard piece of barely foamed plastic is torture. If children are made to nap; they should be provided comfortable beds and warm milk. Cookies wouldn’t hurt either.
Like I said, super PACS aren’t such a bad idea. We’re just spending the money on the wrong group of people.